Squish! Squish! Squish!

We have an all new renter, Stephanie at "Mystical Incense and More" (NOT Mystical Incest!) and she would love it if you stopped by to visit. Actually as soon as you are done reading this we demand you click on her, if you don't we may never update again. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Any whoo, Stephanie's blog is gorgeous, and she also makes cool bath and candle products. A few weeks ago she had an awesome 'Choose Your Own Adventure' style contest but everything I found someone else had already found, which made me (BEG) very very sad. We look forward to her future endeavors. She also has a great rant about Bad Parents that could have been written by IV and me (no a serious post about bad parents, not mockery). Go check her out now, you won't regret it (plus she can make you stink better)

All new! By Popular demand! IV's and BEG's GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH!! All images were found by randomly typing 'Squish' into the Google Image Search box. Is there a word you'd like us to google? Honestly we are running out of strangely simple words to google. Throw us a bone and let us know your ideas in comments. We only search for single words, so don't submit a sentance. The more generic the word usually the better the results. If they don't suck, we might just use your suggestion! You will be amply rewarded by having your name mentioned, imagine the fame!

As per usual none of these photos are credited, we only have them here to mock, ridicule and otherwise mis-interpret them. We don't even read the pages they come from. We aren't profiting from this, except in hearty laughs, so don't sue us.

IV: Everyday, Susan returned home to see if she had gotten any thinner. The new starvation diet was really helping her self esteem, but she was just never thin enough to get past the truck and back inside.

BEG: Susan wanted Juan Miguel, the man who sold black-market Louis Vuitton hand bags out of his box truck. Every week she followed him to the sweat-shop where he picked up the new stock. And every week she just didn't know how to get to him, or how he got out of the truck in the first place, this hampered her ability not only to get her hands on the new stock first, but also to declare her love of Juan Miguel.

IV: The people in the trailer park had heard stories and had always feared the day when the magic bubbles would arrive to snatch up their trailers and wisk them away to a far off land.

BEG: Those were not tiny bubbles, and those were no longer Lincoln Logs, Sammy had in fact created a machine that made everything bigger. Sammy now set his eyes on the Shady Grove Trailer Park, it would be marvelous, his gigantic world, but how long would it last?!?

IV: When the puppy rebellion started, no one ever thought they'd grow this strong.

BEG: Tiny Ferdinand looked on, he did not know if this battle was his to win, or his to lose, but he knew if he didn't do something, and fast, his siblings would be crushed by the tiniest Ogre ever.

IV: "I love you gigantic feet!" When Joe's church group took him to the large shoe museum, they never thought they'd lose him to to the shoes. Shoes-1/God&Church-0

BEG: Daphne wasn't aware of Joe's shoe fetish, but after having watched him worship the gigantic shoe, now it was undeniable. Daphne would have to take the baby far far away from her freak husband, if she fled now he might not even notice...

IV: When someone had suggested that Jim create the first amazing rapids golf course, he jumped right into it, but the daily floods were really beginning to hinder his business!

BEG: Mardi Gras just would never be the same in post-Katrina New Orleans. There wasn't a drag queen to be seen, and Harry Connick Jr. even failed to show!

IV: "This place...this place is absolutely magnificent!"

BEG: It is a little known fact that rats love velour just a bit more than Jennifer Lopez's ass.

IV: "Kelly, I swear I saw it and it was only this big!"

BEG: "I'm Crushing Your Head!!!"

IV: This year, the parasites in the office had grown in numbers and instead of waiting for janitorial to take care of it, the women had taken things into their own hands!

BEG: Sharon had always wished for the opportunity to to lay down the long arm of the wife. After spending time with that genie, she had her chance.

IV: Just like a man...always has to do things the hard way!

BEG: Every year it got tougher and tougher to find virgins to sacrifice to the gods of cobblestone. And while the temple was smaller now, and the drop shorter, it was still difficult for Tom to let go of his little girl.

IV: For some time now the battle between Kenny and Marv had continued on...but today would be Kenny's day to shine...and few would notice if Marv never came back from the woods.

BEG: Kenny had seen it fail for Wil E. Coyote, but he firmly believe he was smarter than a stupid cartoon, and he would succeed. Kenny was later declared a Darwin Awards winner and a Dumb Ass.

Lousy Google Image Search!

Our renter would love for you to stop by and visit. Honest, he would. So go do that after, of course, reading this wonderful addition to 'Fun with Google' (someday this will be TM'ed, or not)!

Boredom leads to strange behavior...and Googling for random things. Here's another little treat for ya, another 'Fun With Google'.

All pictures contained in this post were obtained by typing the word 'Lousy' into the Google Image searchbox. We are not crediting anyone for any of the pictures since as per usual, we didn't really pay any attention to where they were coming from. It wasn't the point. If they're yours, great job, but as you can see, not using them for profit...just the sake of mockery! And remember everytime you put a photo on the internet you are only making our mockery easier. And mockery, like parody, should be considered a real form of flattery, cos we really don't want our asses kicked.

IV: The game of hide-n-seek had gotten so out of hand that Katie had plenty of time to redecorate and personalize her hiding space.

BEG: Some people thought Katie's school was run by lunatics, others thought it was progressive. All she knew was, she loved the 'Use a Science-Fair Project to protect yourself from the alien invader's rotating laser trajectory beams' drills they did every Friday.

IV: Na-na na-na na-na na-na Blackman! Or alternately a perfect example of why superheroes should not mate.

BEG: "I'm Superman, I can Fly!!" (Moments later Tyrell's lifeless body was found on the sidewalk outside San Diego's Convention Center, he was only one of a handful of Comic-Con participants who got a bottle of Mountain Dew spiked with some real bad acid.)

IV: "I cannot believe you talked me into coming in here!"

BEG: "I always wondered what it would be like to be inside a condom, and I was right, it sucks! Let's get the fuck out of here!"

IV: Okay, so an English golf pro, an Asian bus driver and a mad scientist...

BEG:Yup, they had heard all the jokes when they got on the bus, but Rupert didn't care, he liked his tripod! They were the best of friends, and people could just deal!

IV: "Sometimes, the bugs are so soothing..." Or alternately, Joey didn't mind haircut day.

BEG: Fear Factor- Diabetes Camp! There is no quicker way to be turned off from sugar than to be covered in it, and then spend an afternoon with cockroaches!

IV: "Oh, you wanted me to hit that! I wasn't sure." Or alternately, Jeff recently learned to throw the ball after months of strenuous therapy and re-adjustment to the world outside of the mental facility.

BEG: Jeff wasn't gonna fall for that trick! Last time he accidentally mistook the Spirit Stick at Cheerleading Camp for a baseball bat, he aged 40 years and turned gay. No, siree, they could throw all the balls at his head that they wanted, he was not going to fall for that one again...

IV: "I swear someone said this was a costume party." Or alternately, "No. No radioactivity here!"

BEG: Everyone always looked forward to Steve 's 'Slaying the Dragon' demonstration at the Kilpatrick family reunion. What they didn't realize was Steve was also chasing the dragon...

IV: Karen just couldn't resist 'Casual Fridays', the only day of the week when she could wear her head wreath and a t-shirt to the office and not look like an ass.

BEG: Karen's Lord of the Rings Role Playing Group didn't think she should be Galadriel. First off, she was not wearing the traditional Elvin silver wire headpiece, secondly, Galadriel only wore white, not a Green Bay Packers T-shirt, finally Galadriel had long white blonde hair, not reddish brown lesbo-hair. When Fritz suggested she play Sam Ganges, Karen showed her proficiency for swearing in Elvish. Yup, this was going to be one long, Saturday afternoon in Middle Earth (which doubles as a community room at Nicolet Community Technical College).

IV: "LOST Fantasy Camp seemed a whole lot cooler in the brochure...and I don't think anyone here had any heroin."

BEG: The day Fred melted into the crusty dead earth, the cast of Survivor-Death Valley gathered, and for just one sweltering, blister producing afternoon, there were no tribes. They were just 12 cast-members, 3 producers, 2 camera men and 1 director who desperately wished they had gotten in on one of the tropical island seasons...

IV: This is not what Yosh had in mind when he joined the scouts.

BEG: Yosh hated Military School. He called his father and promised to never ever do anything wrong again if he could just go home. Last week Yosh's only friend Kim had been shot in the head 'accidentally' during this same exercise. Yup, it was a dangerous job, but some kid with a bad attitude and an interest in crime and screwing cute school girls had to do it.

IV: Every time Carl had to take the long walk to the outhouse he wished once again that he had properly filled out that requisition form for the golf cart.

BEG: When Carl got his parks service job he never though 'shit inspector' would be part of his job title.

IV: New planets are discovered every day, in the strangest places no less.

BEG: Worst. Day. Ever

IV: Stu found that a duel in this day and age doesn't really convey the same amount of anger that it used to.

BEG: The Nicolet Community Techincal College's Community room was many things to many people. To some it was Middle Earth, and to others it was a place to put a cage on their face and poke another person with a pointy, yet dull sword.

IV: Sometimes the wardrobe department got a little confused, but she didn't mind as long as the janitorial service remembered to turn up the heat.

BEG: Margot's dream of become the next QVC hostess just didn't work out. Then again, she probably shouldn't have taped her audition between dances at Big Poppa's Gentleman's Club and Buffet.

IV: "So there I was...just me and the big salad...and it was about to go down hard..."

BEG: Japanese Game Shows had gotten completely out of control when the goal became to name the days of the week while being chased by a man with a large salad fork wearing a teapot on his head.

Google Hunting with Dick

Firstly: We would like to welcome our new renter. This is a slum, we are slumlords and somehow people still want to rent from us. Is it the cheap cheap rent? Much like any slum, probably. Anywhoo, 'From the Morning' is our new renter. Normally we aren't fans of church going folk, but while this guy is a church goer he is also a government lunch thief, which is a really hilarious post. A lot of his posts are. We'll even forgive the church stuff for the regalement of the Root Canal. He's funny and smart, so anyone reading this should go click and make his 10-15 credits worth every, err credit. If you are reading this, and don't go and check him out, we will send Cheney the Hut after you with a shotgun and without a Quail Permit.

Now Onward With The Mockery...

It's too good to pass up! Dick Cheney shoots a man while quail hunting!! Too Priceless! How is every blogger on earth not just rolling around in the bird shot and blood? Well, we are. Of course we are...it's just like that time when G-Dub got in that poo-hurling contest with a local zoo monkey...no, wait, that didn't happen...yet. Nevermind about that.

So, in honor of Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a man (In the face), this edition of fun with Google is dedicated to Dick Cheney. All Google image results were attained by entering 'Cheney' in the search box. If a photo has a credit on it, congrats to whoever put it on the interweb, your photo is credited all on it's own, and you are not an idiot. The others? not so much. We don't pay attention to where they come from, we just make fun of them...

From the Sci-Fi and Movie Files:

This photo was labeled: Cheney-Edwards Debate Moment

BEG: I am trying to figure out which one is Cheney and which one is Edwards. I'm hoping Han Solo is Edwards, cos I think that Alien looks kinda like a Dick, I mean like Dick.

IV: Is this the E Channel re-enactment of the Cheney-Edwards debate? I saw their Jackson Trial mock-up and this seems about their speed. Although, when I imagine Cheney-Edwards debate moments played with action figures, I see Cheney more as a Strawberry Shortcake doll, possibly one of those all rubbery ones that doesn't really move a lot.

BEG: I always knew something was up with Bush and Cheney, and now I get it. Bush is Cheney's Sigorney Weaver, only Bush, not nearly as hot in a bitch beater and panties. Although I have heard that a bitch beater and panties are his preferred 'head of state' attire.

IV: Wouldn't this just leave us with a Bush-Free U.S. and Vice President Alien Cheney? This would be a really funny scenario if we could get Newt back and maybe Condi could wear the bitch-beater and panties.

BEG: "George I am not your father" BTW: I love the glasses with this look, gives it a comforting 'come cuddle grandpa' feel.

IV: Are they gonna appoint James Earl Jones to be the voice of Vice President Cheney now? It would be enlightening to see how it rocked their world a bit. I mean what would happen if they pulled the Darth Republican mask off to reveal...no wait, I'll just stop right there and go with Kanye West.

BEG: Whoa! Where's my Condi-Democratic-Party-Equivalent in Leia slave-girl gear, or Howard Dean trapped in carbonite ala Han Solo (or should it be Edwards?). If you are going to go for the Star Wars analogy, go all out, or go back to Dagobah.

IV: At least Cheney is in the right place in this cartoon. Although, I don't remember Jaba being as crusty as Cheney and he probably smelled more like trash than death! Also, I too am a little bit upset there is no Condi slave-girl.

BEG: I never noticed Cheney had an underbite like a bulldog's! He's an angry green puppy!!

IV: Incredible Cheney Hulk? Either way, it's clear from his expression that it really isn't easy being green!

BEG: It's shocking in just how many photos the president looks like he's thinking 'mmm boobies' and Cheney looks like 'Mmm World Domination, must eat more oil!'

IV: I have no comment on this picture. It already says so much. Also, I don't really want to think about Cheney 'shagging' anything.

In the Rest of the Files:

BEG: There are no Happy Birthdays at the White House. There is only pain, misery, and rampant patriotism. If you don't eat this cake the Terrorist's Win!!!!

IV: It isn't really cake. It's just cardboard covered with frosting that cost $2,212,063.00. There was no room in the budget for actual cake this year.

BEG: I'm not sure if I want to make an Elvis or Johnny Cash joke here. Let's just say that Cheney has left the building!

IV: Cheney: Vice President. Man. Lounge Singer. Shooby-dooby-doo-wop! Check out the 'Dick Cheney Trio' and please remember that the 9:30 pm show is different than the 7:30 pm show folks!

BEG: "Dammit, I was all set for my big rendition of singin' in the rain, but there's no rain. It's time we got NASA involved in looking for the terrorist-built-weather-machine, I know that Bin Laden is behind ruining my big dance number!!!"

IV: "Someday it will rain oil!"

BEG: This isn't actually Vice President Cheney, this is a gigantic cardboard cut-out of Cheney. The real Cheney was in the basement of the White House once again getting a rebuilt heart. We can rebuild him! We can make him stronger!

IV: "But I don't wanna go to summer camp!" or alternately, "None of you can get me!"

BEG: Somehow, not nearly as scary as Benedict. Then again Cheney was never an actual Nazi-Youth like Benedict was, instead Dick just like's to play Nazi when's he's not trying to convince Lynne that 'Shiver Me Timbers' is a game she would enjoy playing with her male friends.

IV: Notice how he seems to still have the same look of wanting world domination...

BEG: "What? My lack of shirt makes me look fat?? What if I hold a beer can? Then does it look better?" WTF is up with the quilt in the background? I mean, hello creepy.

IV: "What do you mean we're out of beer? Someone get me Air Force 2!"

BEG: Look! A cold day in Hell!!!! Satan DOES wear a parka!! Alternately I wanted to make a bad South Park joke here.

IV: Is that even Cheney? Either way, I'm with BEG. And shouldn't that parka be on fire...to warm the others, I mean.

BEG: Sometimes smiling was painful for Dick, and sometimes it was just painful for all of us...

IV: Look what I learned! I can smile and lie at the same time! Thank you Botox!

BEG: Sometime's being Bionic-Cheney (TM) was tough. The bionic hand would miss his bionic nose, when all he really wanted to do was itch his bionic nostrils. The bionic neck fat roll was the most difficult thing to create, but because he refused to say he was hangin' with Kirstie Ally and the Jenny Craig, the designers had to go back to the drawing board 28 times. His bionic neck fat roll cost the US $1.8 billion and the lives of 9 scientists (some were killed in explosions of faux fat and others were just killed because of the bionic knowledge they had).

IV: "I am sober. Look I can touch my nose. Give me the gun." It was either that or Cheney is trying to signal the pitcher.

BEG: "Hey there little one, don't grow up to be a raging, hell-bound, dyke like my little girl, okay? You don't want to go to hell right?"

IV: "What is this thing? It's touching me! Get it off! Get it off!"

BEG: All I got on this one is a big WTF????

IV: Is Cheney gonna record a really bad pop album too?

BEG: Look it's the Cheney-Pumpkin! Guaranteed to get smashed all year round by angry Democrat Neighbors and Children alike!!!

IV: Cleary, whoever did this has far too much time on their hands...and a very unnatural love of our VP. There are just some things that should not be carved into a pumpkin. Cheney's face, the cast of 'Punky Brewster', Charles Manson, etc.

In the how did this come up using the word Cheney category:

Sold as: Cheney the Tubby Quarry Critter, No I didn't make that up

BEG: Why has this poor stone kitty been damned for all eternity with a name like Cheney??? If you look closely though, it's face is definately thinking, "Mmm World Domination, Must Eat More Oil!!!!!"

IV: I think this is what they used to fill in the hole in Dick's chest cavity where his heart used to be. Of course, we all know, his actual heart had to be removed, cut into four separate pieces and taken to different, secret locations to keep it from reassembling.

BEG: Look it's Cherry Cheney, the woman who sold the family's soul to the devil for a great set of legs and a pack of Bel-Aires! Creepy: She kinda looks like Gwen Stefani in the face...

IV: A little known fact about Dick...he didn't used to have one.

Now it's time for us to ride off into the sunset with Cheney:

Note From IV: I hope you all enjoy this post. It was a terrible pain in the arse to put together. BEG tried, but the internet was more likely to bite her than cooperate. I've now spent all morning re-adjusting and yelling at the dogs when they unplug my PC just when I think I'm done and then had to start over again three different times because of them!