Imaginary Complaints Department

The other night IV and myself were having a conversation about her Swanson's Chicken Pot Pie. She commented that it tasted like a turkey pot pie and that she felt deceived. I told her to call Swanson's. This is the conversation as I imagine it:

(after 20 mintues of pushing buttons to find an actual living human)
Operator: Thank you for calling Swanson's how may I help you?

IV: There's something wrong with my chicken pot pie.

Operator: What is it?

IV: It tastes like a turkey pot pie. I think this turkey pot pie is mascarading about as a chicken pot pie.

O: Ma'am I'm sure it's a chicken pot pie.

IV: You don't understand I eat a lot of pot pies. I am a connoisseur of pot pie. This is turkey.

O: If it says chicken on the box, it's chicken.

IV: Hold on a Sec. (Yelling off the phone: NO KITTY THAT'S MY POT PIE) Sorry about that, damn cat is pot pie crazy.

O: (laughing) I'm sure.

IV: Are you being condecending? Are you mocking me? I called you cos I was concerned that there may have been a factory mix-up or something, because clearly I am eating a turkey pot pie. I thought maybe you'd offer to send me coupons for my trouble, as I was not intending to consume a turkey pot pie, and as a thanks for bringing this to your attention. Instead you mock me.

O: I'm not mocking you ma'am.

IV: Whatever. If this happens again I am so calling your headquarters. You better watch out. Others will catch on that you are scrimping on the chicken pot pies and selling turkey pot pies in chicken pot pie boxes. People will not stand for this. I might start a website about this!

O: Okay ma'am. Thank you for calling Swanson's.

IV: Bite me. (hangs up)

Don't remember where I got this from, but I'm sure Google Images is to blame. Also since when does Godzilla eat Reese's Pieces I thought that was strictly ET's favorite snack, now it's also in with Godzilla. Reese's Pieces: Loved by monsters everywhere!

In other news it was brought to my attention that the Reese's Pieces Yellow pieces contain Red Dye. I was trying to wrap my brain around this, but still I cannot make heads or tails of it.

Dear Reese's,

I am concerned that your yellow, brown and orange Reese's Pieces contain red dye. The brown and orange do not surprise me, because orange is a mix of red and yellow, and brown a mix of orange and green. What did surprise me was that the yellow contains red.

Below is an image of the primary colors and what they create. This image is courtesy of NASA, who knows their colors unlike you.

Image from NASA, I shit you not, NASA has the color wheel on their website. Crazy ain't it?

As is clearly displayed on this wheel there is no way that red can make yellow. It's an impossibility as red and yellow are primary colors and with the help of their friend blue create all other colors. As a young child in elementary school art classes I remember being educated on the color wheel. Yellow was never made of red.

So now I implore you to explain this red dye in yellow candy phenomenon. Was it to make the candy more of a goldenrod shade of yellow instead of the harsh yellow those M & M's freak use? Please, tell me, cos I can't eat your candy until you do. I fear these yellow mutant 'made of red' candies might cause my unborn offspring to produce gills.

Sincerely, BEG

Dammit, Dick! - #3

Here's the latest edition of 'Dammit, Dick' which was supposed to be the 'special' New Year's edition and would have been except posting got derailed by debauchery. Anyway, in this installment, Dick Cheney wears a space suit and there are strippers!
And, as always, if it's too small to read here,which often times it is and I can't figure out how to change or fix that, a larger version can be found here www.geocities.com/tedsfault/page3.html

A Night in Miss Maddie's Head

This post recalls the events surrounding BEG (me) playing with Little Miss Maddie the adorable neighbor child of IV on New Years Eve. Little Miss Maddie some day will be exactly like IV and me. Seriously this kid is so on the Japanese bullet train to creative adult it's not even funny. Let's just hope she doesn't get in as much trouble as we did.


There was a lot of playing involving the My Little Pony Butterfly Island Adventure Set (not as adventurous as it sounds) and additional ponies. This was very normal. With the ponies drinking some juice and riding the waves and twirling around on a magical wheel.

Things didn't get interesting until the Pregnant Midge doll was brought out. You all remember the pregnant Midge controversy about her wedding ring and shit? Well if not, it's called google people, look it up. Some how 2 tiny identical plastic dogs also showed up and this story is pretty much what the future freak girl came up with, enjoy:

Midge is naked, her dress is long lost, so the entire time Midge is naked, which might explain why she has all these kids. Midge first gives birth to a baby. The baby is tiny and falls out of her non-realistic magnetic belly. Maddie gives the baby to a My Little Pony to carry around in her scooter. Fair enough.

Then Midge gives birth to a RABID PUPPY that proceeds to attack and eat the pony babysitting. I shit you not. This is the demented workings of a tiny child. Then the pony makes a miraculous recovery, gets on said scooter with RABID puppy and rides off to the Adventure Island to have some juice while the puppy plays in the sand (and the baby is forgotten in the back of the scooter). Midge meanwhile, the whore that she is, gives birth to another much gentler puppy.

The actual baby gets kidnapped at the beach, but some how WHORE MIDGE readily gives birth to it's clone which flys across the room after falling out of Midge's magnetic belly. So apparently Midge is not only a lousy bad mother and dog fucker, but can't keep track of them coming out of her plastic womb.

Meanwhile, at the beach baby pegasus pony shows up on a scooter that is too big while wearing a helmet and I think a snorkle, possibly a cape and a flipper or two, with the other puppy bastard child. The puppy goes to play with it's RABID sibling and eventually is whirled around above the island on a wheel of death, then is forced to ride a surf board to a pool of death.

Midge is now out 4 kids. The woman lost 4 kids in an afternoon!

Then Maddie goes back to plaaying normally, giving the baby (since recovered) a bath and nap and parading Pregnant Naked Midge about.

Mind you this child is about to possibly be a big sister. I only hope she doesn't feed the baby to a rabid dog expecting her mommy to pump another one out in under a day.

And people wonder why I drank all that chamagne.