A Day in the Life of: featuring: the Amy Winehouse C-Store Extravaganza!

A Note to the one reader we have left: We promise in this new year of 2008 that we will get back to business around here. We will do this right after the novelty of Pollination Technician #9 of the Sims2 wears off, or Nelle Stupid-Crotch is found or the writers strike ends so we don't feel guilty writing, or the 5th unknown cylon is returned (Ron Moore, we are watching you). We will return to our rightful place as 2 bitches who make fun of the stupidity of others, only we will do it with fewer Lord of the Rings jokes, cos looking back, we really seem to be obsessed with LoTR jokes, and honestly it's not like we dig hobbits or any of that crap. Until then, enjoy this little very special new feature of PoA p.Deux. We like to call it: A Day in the Life of... which will be featurettes of people with whom we'd like to spend a day, in their life with. Our first edition is Amy Winehouse, cos if anyone is fucked up, its definately her!

Last night Khrysten and I were thinking about a world, a world where Bai Ling and Amy Winehouse were from another planet (we firmly believe Amy's from a moon though), and that maybe they were sent here to save humanity all Heroes style. This is what happens when there is a writer's strike, thus no new TV for us to consume. We come up with crazy shit.

So I was thinking, what does Amy Winehouse do in a day?  I suspect she has a penchant for Snapple and really just wants to find her childhood binkie to cuddle with. I mean, you've all seen the photos of what a mess she is, but is there method to her madness? I think there may be. So here it is, my photo essay, A Day in the Life of Amy Winehouse (all photos used without permission, sorry, but it's not like I'm profiting):

Leave flat during daylight hours to show one is not a vampire.

Realize something just fell out of your hair.

Stop at the shops to pick up a newspaper, in ballet shoes.

Steal some gummy worms while you're at it.

Enjoy the fruits of your shoplifting.

Promptly fall off of elevator, only to be saved by puffy jacket (Not Puff Daddy).

Head to the Sporting Goods store to purchase fishing lures to snare things living in hair.

Make sure you have an ornate cage with to hold snared creatures before they can be released back into the wild.

Everybody loves a slushie, especially when its 90% Vodka! It's 5 O'Clock somewhere, and when the alcohol alien inside of her starts getting restless she must submit to it's needs!

Pray to the God of Hair-dos that the alien inside of you will be quenched! Beg for his forgiveness!

"What do you mean there is no Snapple? What the bloody hell is wrong with you wankers??" (Deciphered from unintelligible mumbles)

Night time is the right time to do laundry (and search for your binkie).

Eat a candy bar, and caress a bottle of wine like a little bitty tasty tasty alien feeding baby.

Rejoice that there are apparently no open container laws in England!

Cry.

Cry because you freed the creatures in your hair and now all you have left is the liquor alien inside of you and the God of Hair-dos who seemingly has abandoned you. "Why oh cruel world? WHY??" (another deciphered Winehouse speech)

Note: Amy Winehouse seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in convienence stores and is often photographed with her mouth agape. I have to think she is a mouth breather (prolly cos the cocaine alien inside of her is just as hungry as the alcohol one).

Gee-Wiz!

All images received as a result of typing 'Gee' into the Google Image Search bar. Don't sue us, we have nothing, honestly. If we had something do you think we'd be wasting our time doing this shit? Besides it's your fault if you put these stupid pics online for everyone to see.

IV: For months Gene and his friends had struggled to get the stump out of the ground. Gene had finally snapped.

BEG: When the Black Panthers sent Eddie to meet the young Ted Kazinski, the only report Eddie brought back was "He is one crazy motherfucking white guy."

IV: When ya live in the hills you learn all about substitution.

BEG: When "Coke Bottle Glasses" just aren't enough.

IV: The company often times gave group eye exams because it also gave them a chance to weed out the workers with inferior intelligence.

BEG: "Arrgg we're crazy pirates. Bring us Peter Sarrrsssgarrrddd"

IV: "It's an open bar!"

BEG: What real Wedding Crashers look like.

IV: All Ben hoped for was a soft landing, but if Carl's calculations were correct and he did fly through time, he hoped there were a lot of big breasted women waiting for him.

BEG: "Ben look out for that..." Carl decided to just shut up, watching Ben hit the tree would be far more entertaining than watching him try to avoid it.

IV: Stu loved it when his arch-nemesis Mr. Henderson fell on his ass and he wasn't afraid to show it!

BEG: "When I was your age penises were only this big, now they're all large and showy. We didn't need a showy penis in my day!"

IV: The wedding photographer was beginning to think the hall was haunted, but he still wanted to get paid, so for now, there were no ghosts, just people dancing too fast for the film. The rest of the details could be worked out later.

BEG: My Super Sweet 16's really shitty photographs.

IV: Having spent their true youth comatose with too much Ritalin, the support group now struggled to regain some of the fun!

BEG: The first competition at the Barf-olymics was the spin test. The last one heaving was the gold medalist.

IV: Tyler couldn't stand the idea of one more flash!

BEG: "Shit, I think I just shit!"

IV: Paolo had come to America to learn a trade, and now that he had learned some skillz he could return to his home country, proudly.

BEG: Paolo's baby smuggling operation was complex. It involved a surf board, a hatchback, and his uncanny ability to balance babies on one hand.

IV: Claire was determined to finish her knitting project entirely inside her head. The pinnacle of her work would be when she finally sneezed out the scarf!

BEG: Claire had been attempting the ever popular 'chopstick walrus' look when her hands slipped and she created an entirely new species of chopstick-human-animal hybrid.

IV: Everyone told Harry that it was bad for him to drink alone, but he was sure that it was ok since he always put his wig and boa on first.

BEG: Harry was worried that since Katrina took out New Orleans that Mardis Gras would be dead. So he decided that every day, after work, he would create his own private mardi gras!

Good Golly Miss Molly!

We are lately lagging. This is mostly because no one shows us the love by leaving comments. When they do we're all 'OOO we need to get crackin!' but when we don't it's more like: 'OOO bring me more Battlestar Galactica' And while the sexual tension between Starbuck and Apollo may be palpable, we really should be posting on here. Oh won't you inspire us?

All images received as a result of typing 'Golly' into the Google Image Search bar. Blah! Blah! Blah!


IV: Frank wanted a nice quiet picnic in the park all by himself, enjoying his surroundings. He hoped his costume would keep the others at a safe distance.

BEG: When Role Playing Games and hunting collide...

IV: Scott waited patiently for his turn to look in the hole...

BEG: It was true, Scott's buddy Vince had in fact dug a hole all the way to China.

IV: With the last of the money having been spent on the table, Polly and George struggled to work in the office with no walls.

BEG: George had always hoped to be wandering the desert and then find a beautiful artist. He found Polly. Polly's body was found 3 days later and had been feasted upon by coyotes.

IV: He's only #1 cause everyone else already died.

BEG: Makes you wonder what's under the granny-panty Speedo doesn't it?

IV: Jimmy loved to spend time with his mother, but she had always wanted a girl and wasn't afraid of what making him participate in her knitting club would do to him.

BEG: Jimmy's mom didn't think Child-Labor laws applied to her home business: Knit Goods by Kelly. So she put the boy to work.

IV: There was a reason all the others in the group stopped.

BEG: We now draw your attention to: Cliff Diving for the Vertically Terrified

IV: Mmmm...frog butt!

BEG: Some nights, Fido just liked to curl up on the couch with a comfy blanket, and eat the ass out of his frog toy. It was nights like this that reminded Fido just how good it really is to be a dog.

IV: Tim and his friends had no idea what the rock looked like, being so close to it and all, but they could hear Paul laughing hysterically.

BEG: Look it's the Gay Tours trip to Arizona! They promised exciting sights, and does it really gt more exciting than this? Huh boys?

GOSH!!!

This 'Fun With Google' image search was inspired by that lovable lame boy, Napolean Dynamite and his affinity for the word GOSH!

All images received as a result of typing 'Gosh' into the Google Image Search bar. Enter usual disclaimer crap here __________________________________________. Or sing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' and pretend you know nothing about any pictures...you never even saw them and you've never even heard of us! Who are we again?

IV: Jeff had begun to feel inferior twenty miles ago. Now he just wanted to drive his car off the bridge and end it all!

BEG: See guys? Sometimes it can be too big!

IV: The bar owner had gone to a dinner theater a couple weeks ago and thought the concept might work for just drinks. So far though, it'd only made the crowd grumble and chant for liquor.

BEG: Welcome to the first show performed by the Pussycat Dolls of Fargo North Dakota.

IV: Insert bad 3-Men joke here...

BEG: The people who inspired M. Night Shaymalan's "The Village" were a quiet folk, who apprently couldn't decide on an ethnicity or time frame for their costumes.

IV: "Yes, I think this giraffe is dead."

BEG: Note to these boys: The giraffe's heart is not in it's neck. Your insistence on calling the time of death on the giraffe was premature, considering his heart is near his left left on his chest.

IV: Wherever Jenny went, there were always three other girls ready to pop out from behind her and yell, "Surprise!"

BEG: I think it's not an incorrect assumption to think that these 4 girls are not 'Mathematicians' but may in fact be a modern version of the Four Headed Hydra.

IV: (Is that Harold?) Kahn knew that switching the news sheets would lead to chaos when Ling started speaking and Ling was already struggling with the news that giant spiders had attacked their city.

BEG: Oh My God! Kenny did you see this? Mothra is preparing to pick up the nuclear reactor and toss it around like a chew toy! What will we do?? Who will save us?? Call Gammaron!!

IV: When Kelly had suggested they climb the mountain, there hadn't really been any planning for how they would get back down.

BEG: The American who went up a mountain and came down with pissed pants.

IV: "Just give me a minute to take my face off."

BEG: After the whole Batman debacle the Joker turned to transvestitism as a cunning disguise.

IV: Shelly's girl-scout troupe had a surprise for everyone...a cheery re-enactment of the Titanic's sinking, complete with a musical number!

BEG: What life would be like if the living pictures at Hogwarts were real, only with much tinier frames.

IV: "You can't have a party without balloons! That's all I'm sayin'!"

BEG: "Craig after I cracked my back on that ball thing I totally had a flashback and saw Janis Joplin climb out of your shirt. I'm not even shitting you! Pilates is awesome!" Jim decided to always wear tie-dyed shirts for his pilates class if for nothing more than entertainment.

IV: "I'm all right!", Katie kept forgetting the gravity was different in the kitchen.

BEG: Katie, unlike Jim, did not think pilates was awesome. Perhaps she just needed a tie-dyed shirt.

IV: Matt didn't know how they could go on with their Saturday afternoon re-enactments of 'The Fellowship of the Ring' if Matt kept losing his pointy ears in the parking lot.

BEG: When the indie band "Gorilla's With Nun Habits and Monk Fetishes" lost their tour van for the 5th time at the Home Depot the lead singer Fisher decided that they should just walk to all their gigs to be even more indie than all those other pussy ass indie bands that need vans. Sadly all 4 members of Gorillas with Nun Habits and Monk Fetishes were abducted by aliens outside of Bismark North Dakota.

IV: Mary had only just started to notive that she and Pete were the only ones in the whole restuarant...even the waitstaff had disappeared. For a moment she wondered if there was a problem, but she gave up because the bread was just so good!

BEG: When the owners of The Italian Maple Leaf were designing their restaurant they decided to mesh classic Italian restaurant design with a log cabin feel. While it looked nice, no one would come in to eat pizza covered in maple syrup.

Our Renter feels neglected, go see them now! Please??? Pretty Please????

Out - Pt. 2

Check out our new renter: Sam's Blog! Why? Because he's funny and wierd, and has a theory about Dalmations taking over the world!! Go now!!

All images recieved as a result of typing 'Out' into the Google Image Search bar. Standard Disclaimer: We are only making fun, and if people were smart enough to mark on their photos who took them and where they belong they have been credited. This is for mockery and fun, not profits. Although if you want to make us rich and famous because of this, please feel free...
IV: When Jenna had gone outside to eat her sunflower seeds on this bright sunny day, she had never imagined being mistaken for a smoker...

BEG: Remember when Joe Camel was a bad influence and made kids wanna smoke? I gotta say blow-up cigarettes with constipated faces and a single steroid enhanced arm isn't the way to dissuade future smokers of America. Accosting possible future smokers of America with such propeganda will only backfire.

IV: "Friggin' Randy from the copy-room! Can't he ever hang on to anything?"

BEG: For the 10th year in a row the McNally Office Supply Intermural Soccer Team had lost. Mostly this was because no one told them they couldn't pick up the ball and throw it.

IV: "Damn Cliff! You're wife is hot!"

BEG: Jameson's quest for extraterrestrial life had taken him to the Chippewa Creek Boy Scout Camp. Here he met no aliens, but did get to see a really fat guy.

IV: Everybody was kung fu fighting...except for Jeff...He was counting the number of people who had stinky feet.

BEG: Jeff was mastering a little known form of Ju-Jitsu called Jeff-Napsoon.

IV: Now we take the time to observe furniture...in its natural habitat...

BEG: "So Grandma, people actually sat on this stuff? Where's the computer? Where's the Playstation? What did these people do for fun!?!?!"

IV: For many people, a spa-day meant rest and relaxation...for Joe, it meant rockin' out and the devil's work!

BEG: For Joe, there was nothing quite like the victoy of beating Syphillus for the 5th time, that is if we don't count rocking out.

IV: When good people go batty...

BEG: "I wanna be an airborne Ranger..."

IV: Al knew better than to argue with what Steve says really happened on the Squash court.

BEG: What happens on the Squash Court, stays on the Squash Court, including Jazz Hands and Spirit Fingers. {BTW: Is anyone just a little disturbed that there is an entire website dedicated to Squach pics?}

IV: Future olympic gymnastics hopeful starting from the very beginning...

BEG: Little Karly did eventually learn how to walk on her feet after years of walking on her hands, but how a child that size had such upper body strength at such a young age would always remain a mystery.

IV: "I told Gregg this parking lot had a mind of its own and that it didn't want his shitbox parked in it!"

BEG: How to park in Wausau: Over shoot parking space, park halfway on rock wall, go to Wal-Mart.

IV: Pedro's villiage was far too poor for skateboards, but someday, there would be a sponsor and a skateboard for everyone...and he would know all the moves!

BEG: While the common skateboard generally has the sense they were born with, rollerbladers do not. Here we observe Pedro attempting to slide down the side of a staircase. Sadly Pedro did not understand that this trick only really works with railings. Pedro did not realize this until the 15th step and falling for the 15th time.

IV: "Funnel cakes are made of people!"

BEG: Do not throw the funnel cake into a clearly marked Wooden Shoe Recepticle. That box is made for clogs not cakes!!!

...And We're Comin' Back Out - Pt.1

All images received as a result of typing 'Out' into the Google Image Search bar.

Go visit our renter now, NOW! He paid good credits to be here with you today! Plus there is ass on his site!

IV: Life had been sort of a whirlwind adventure since three young girls met a trick-playing witch in the deep, dark forest...

BEG: Phil the giant soft drink had always wanted to be apart of the In-n-Out family, he now saw his way in!

IV: Life still goes on...even when the hairband your stalking tosses you and your friends out of the limo...

BEG: One sparkly sequin dress: $650. One frizziriffic perm at the Cost Cutters: $45. One pants suit with only one arm: $150. Reliving those hairband fantasies = Priceless.

IV: Although, Karen had been told time and time again that her legal blindness since birth would prevent her from ever finishing the marathon, she had finally made it to the finish line...only two years and a half years late and forty pounds lighter.

BEG: Mark had been practicing for this race his whole life. He was excited to get going, that was before the star-gun shot him in the face.

IV: "Yeah, that's what I used to look like."

BEG: "No man, I am a freedom fighter just like my man Che` here on my arm.Only the freedom I fight for is the right to wear 2 carat diamonds in my ears!"

IV: Scott had nearly made it to his bed...if only he had had just one more cup of coffee...

BEG: Scott's debilitating narcolepsy was one thing, being mocked by the cat was entirely another.

IV: YARD SALE!!!

BEG: Mark's narcolepsy was one thing, being asleep so long he grew that facial hair is entirely another.

IV: "The fire is out, but we lost the toast."

BEG: "I'm afraid we lost another one to Di-tech, and so we torched the place."

IV: Self excorcism gone terrbily wrong!

BEG: Scotty feared the ancient waters of the well, especially after seeing The Ring, but he promised he would make it through!

IV: The day-campers rejoiced in the fact that today was the day they would be taking back Lake Runamok from the alligators...little did they know, the alligators had their own moment of celebration to see to...

BEG: In the late 90's they attempted to re-make Pirahna the movie with younger children. The parent's association didn't approve of youngsters with water noodles getting eaten alive. This is the only remaining cell from the film.

IV: Sean knew that surfing in the midwest was nearly impossible, but his dad had always told him to never fear trying new things.

BEG: The Lake Michigan Surfing Club hadn't had many members, but the one they did have had enough heart for the whole lake!

IV: When the crew told the producers of their brilliant plan to make a documentary about roads, they sort of left out the fact that that was all they would be filming.

BEG: Your tax dollars hard at work...

IV: Being the summer camp director's daughter in a post divorce settlement environment was hard enough, but Jill knew that she could never tell the other campers about her mother's plan to make belts from all their snake friends in the fall just to spite her father.

BEG: In the early 00's they attempted to remake Anaconda, only to set it in a day camp this time and have the movie be a journey of parent seeking child. The parent's association didn't like this anymore than Pirahna, and it was eventually scrapped. This is the only footage remaining, in it we see young Sarah man-handling the anaconda's young!

We're Goin' In...

This post has been sitting in our drafts folder for a while, all because we were waiting for an appropriate renter. Someone who is as interesting or demented as us, and we found him! We now present as our renter: Rocky Jay: A Series of Unfortunate Events. Recently he learned just how pussy whipped he is, and bought her Jimmy Choo shoes, which any girl can get behind. Speaking of behinds, he also has an ass gallery. I know, kinda wierd, but somehow he has evaded the dreaded 'Profanity' label (which there is no fucking way we will ever get rid of) on his blog at Blogexplosion. This is wonderous. Go check out this enigma of blog.


All images received as a result of typing 'In' into the Google Image Search bar. You know the routine, this is for fun not money. Blah Blah Blah

IV: Although it was a great honor to be the one boy chosen from his team to teach President Bush to hold the cricket bat properly, Juan-Pedro had no hope for the man learning anything.

BEG: After failing with a baseball team, George decided to give a whack at cricket. Not wanting their club to be destroyed the Banglapoor Bandits explained to him there was in fact no oil under the playing field.

IV: Apparently you can teach an old reaper new tricks...

BEG: At Smith, Wessler and Charlemange the saying 'Getting the Axe' had been replaced by 'Getting the Scythe.' No one wanted to get a pink slip from them.

IV: Mike wanted to touch the microscope, but the girls had given him such a good argument against it...by way of their own stunning rendition of 'Anything You Can Do, I can Do Better'! Not even his mad break-dancing skillz could top that.

BEG: Mike was pretending to be interested in the microscope, but what Mike discovered was that if you looked just right, the mirror under the slide reflected Marcy's bikini covered boobs. This was going to be the best Science Geek Camp yet!

IV: "This fish really stinks. Can I put it down yet?"

BEG: "Yo dawg, you down wit da fishes? You wanna get down wit da fishes? I can show you how to get down wit da fishes. Cos all the ladies love da fishes."IV: With every clean, new snowfall, Mandy made her transformation from mild-mannered seventh grader to full-on yeti.

BEG: This is what happens when Fame is filmed in Cedar Rapids Iowa, in February. (BEG Note: This is quite possibly the best photo we've ever worked with. Seriously, hilarious)

IV: "No one will ever notice if we only take one!"

BEG: The play "The Bicycle Thief" never went over well in Venice. The production companies never understood why until this day.

(IV NOTE TO BEG: Actually dear, I think that's Copenhagen. See how few things I remember when searching for such wonferful pictures to mock?)

IV: This was the last picture Chet needed to complete his scrapbook of photos of him in random places pointing at things only he could see.

BEG: "No, not that piece of coral, the other piece. Dammit Dick, do I have to come over there and place the measuring tape myself?"

IV: Carl had learned his lesson. He told himself that next time he got the urge to point out something historically inaccurate, he should just keep it to him self and move along.

BEG: Carl's membership with the Rotary Club was at stake, so he did time in the stocks to insure that he'd keep his rightful place as treasurer. The Rotary Club was not to be trifled with.